Your Nervous System: The Biology of Neurodivergent Empathy
As a neurodivergent professional coach, I've watched countless individuals struggle with emotional responses that feel overwhelming and deeply personal. They blame themselves, questioning why they can't just "get it together" or "stay calm."
But here's the revolutionary insight that transformed my practice: what we experience isn't just emotional—it's biological.
When we shift from an emotional narrative ("I'm overreacting") to a biological understanding ("My nervous system is protecting me"), everything changes. Self-blame dissolves into compassion. Confusion transforms into clarity.
“For neurodivergent individuals, your nervous system operates with extraordinary sensitivity.”
The Biological Reality of Neurodivergent Experience
Autistic and ADHD individuals' nervous systems function like sophisticated security systems, constantly scanning for threats. These systems operate with extraordinary sensitivity.
This isn't a design flaw. It's a powerful protective mechanism that sometimes registers "threats" others might miss.
Four Nervous System States That Explain Your Experience
1. Window of Tolerance: Your Neurological Sweet Spot
This is where you function optimally—calm, connected, and capable.
Autism Presentation:
Joyful engagement with special interests
Manageable sensory experiences
Natural, comfortable communication
ADHD Presentation:
Clear, focused thinking
Intrinsic motivation
Creative problem-solving
This is where you're most authentically you—not constantly here (no human is), but able to return to this state in the right environment and with the right support.
2. Hyperarousal: An Internal Alarm System
Imagine your nervous system as a smoke detector set to maximum sensitivity. Your body floods with stress hormones, preparing for immediate action.
Autism Presentation:
Sensory input becomes overwhelming
Meltdowns triggered by seemingly minor stimuli
Heightened rejection sensitivity
ADHD Presentation:
Emotional intensity that feels uncontrollable
Impulsive decision-making
Racing, scattered thoughts
What we label as "overreacting" is often your body executing precisely the protection protocol it evolved to perform. That's not emotional weakness; that's biological wisdom.
3. Shutdown: Your Energy Conservation Mode
When overwhelm becomes too intense, your system shifts to protective shutdown. Think of it as your computer entering sleep mode to prevent overheating.
Autism Presentation:
Complete emotional withdrawal
Selective mutism
Appearing "zoned out"
ADHD Presentation:
Extreme difficulty initiating tasks
Executive function breakdown
Cognitive fog and reduced responsiveness
The revelation that changes everything: When you can't "just do things," you're not broken or lazy. Your nervous system has activated a sophisticated energy conservation protocol. Shutting down isn't a character flaw—it's your biology working exactly as designed to protect you from overwhelm.
4. Freeze State: Your Masked Survival Response
This complex state is particularly common in late-diagnosed neurodivergent adults. Externally, you appear calm, but internally, there's intense activation.
Autism Presentation:
High-masking behaviours
Compliance without genuine processing
Appearing "fine" whilst internally struggling
ADHD Presentation:
Decision paralysis
Performance anxiety
Procrastination rooted in deep overwhelm
This state is particularly revealing for those who've mastered the art of appearing "fine" whilst internally navigating chaos—a common experience among neurodivergent individuals, especially women, who've developed sophisticated masking strategies.
The Biological Mechanisms Behind Your Experience
These states aren't random or chosen. They're sophisticated survival mechanisms with deep biological roots:
Hyperarousal Triggers:
Sudden environmental changes
Overwhelming sensory input
Unexpected social demands
Shutdown Triggers:
Prolonged social interactions
Complex cognitive tasks without adequate support
Emotional exhaustion
Freeze State Triggers:
Situations with unclear expectations
Performance anxiety
Conflicting emotional demands
Understanding these triggers helps you recognise that your responses aren't character flaws—they're predictable biological reactions to specific circumstances.
“When we view behaviour through this biological framework we naturally extend that understanding to others.”
From Understanding to Empathy: The Biological Lens
When we view behaviour through this biological framework, something remarkable happens. Not only do we develop compassion for ourselves, but we naturally extend that understanding to others.
That colleague who seems perpetually anxious? Their nervous system might be in hyperarousal. The friend who cancels plans repeatedly? Perhaps they're experiencing hypoarousal. The family member who seems distant at gatherings? They might be in a freeze state.
By viewing behaviour as nervous system regulation rather than personal choice, interpersonal conflicts transform from affronts to understandable differences. This is true empathy—rooted in biological reality rather than judgement.
“Remove the moral narrative. This isn’t about good or bad—it’s biology.”
Three Steps to Apply This Framework Today
1. Notice Without Judgement
When you feel overwhelmed, dysregulated, or shut down, pause and observe: "Which nervous system state am I in right now?" Remove the moral narrative. This isn't about good or bad—it's biology.
2. Identify Your Personal Triggers
Each nervous system is unique. What sends you into hyperarousal might be completely different from what triggers someone else. Start noticing your specific patterns.
3. Build Your Regulation Toolkit
Different states require different tools. Hyperarousal might respond to deep pressure or rhythmic movement. Hypoarousal might need gentle stimulation. Experiment and observe what helps you return to your window of tolerance.
Communicating Your Nervous System Needs to Others
Explaining your neurobiological reality to people who don't share your experience can be challenging. Here are strategies that create understanding rather than defensiveness:
Lead with Biology, Not Blame
Instead of: "Your loud music is making me anxious."
Try: "My nervous system processes sound with heightened sensitivity, which triggers a stress response."
The first statement feels like criticism. The second explains the same situation through a biological lens that removes personal blame.
Use Universal Comparisons
Create bridges to empathy through shared experiences:
"Remember how you felt after that 36-hour work marathon when everything seemed too bright and loud? That's how my sensory system processes information on a typical Tuesday."
Focus on Mutual Benefits
Frame your needs in terms of shared goals:
"When my nervous system is regulated, I can be more present with you. These considerations help me show up as my best self."
This shifts the narrative from burden to opportunity.
“Something has to give, and it cannot always be your wellbeing.”
The Radical Act of Respecting Your Nervous System
Here's perhaps the most important insight I share with clients:
Something has to give, and it cannot always be your wellbeing.
Understanding your nervous system isn't just about coping better—it's about fundamentally recalibrating your expectations. Your nervous system has limits. Respecting those limits isn't weakness; it's wisdom.
The counterintuitive truth about neurodivergent potential: Pushing through nervous system limits doesn't expand capacity—it diminishes it. Honouring your biological boundaries actually unlocks greater capability and authentic power. Respect, not resistance, is the true path forward.
A New Way Forward
Understanding your nervous system isn't a quick fix. It's a lifelong journey of observation, compassion, and gradually expanding your capacity to navigate the world as a neurodivergent individual.
Remember: You aren't broken. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it evolved to do—protect you. With understanding and the right tools, you can work with your biology rather than against it.
And perhaps most powerfully, this biological framework helps us extend the same compassion to others that we're learning to give ourselves.
Jason Bennett is a neurodivergent professional coach who helps clients understand and navigate their unique neurological experiences. Through research, compassion, and personal insight, he bridges the gap between biological understanding and personal growth.